Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Randomize
