So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
