get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
