She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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