I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
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How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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