yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
