idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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