this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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