totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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