when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dignity is for republicans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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