This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
