I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
