while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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