i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
