So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Houston, we have a blender
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
