well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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