the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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