i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Even my vagina gasped.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
