Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
