Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
