I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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