i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
