I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
