If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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