she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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