so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
