Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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