I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
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She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
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Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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