i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
