just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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