i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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