Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
