when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
