I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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