i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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