I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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