i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
