mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
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You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
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I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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