It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
