i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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