New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
we're making bets on your personal life
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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