sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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