I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
