He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
