My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
