Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
