I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
