I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
