When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
