I can text with my tongue
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
