My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
